Saturday, December 17, 2011

The Age of Discovering that No Teeth Means No Meat

Immediately following her breastfeeding incident, mother was shocked to discover a small pile of stones because she was in a wooden crate, where accordingly, there were no stones. Upon further inspection she realized they were her teeth. Upon realizing this realization the teeth formed into one large denture with no separation between teeth. One. Big. Tooth. She was in a crate carrying unfrozen meat. Mother was actually carrying the meat. Mother's favorite dish was fricasse of rabbit, but sensing no rabbit meat, in her wolf arms, she decided she would settle for crockpot stew. Eight hours and no minutes later, mother was presented by the crate man with meat stew. And then she remembered her teeth.

With two and two more punches, mother exited the crate in a fit of unforgivable rage following the moment she attempted to chew stew meat with simple gums. The moon itself split into four and 7 more werewolf angels were born and then murdered viciously in a civil war headed on one side by mayor menino and on the other by AJG.

Twenty years later mother ate her first vegetable based meal after 19 successive years of crop failure. the vegetables were from her seahorse garden and were stewed in a crockpot for two light years with the denture for good luck. As she lit the earwax candle on her elephant ivory table, mother thought to herself "if only Shmovrek were here to watch me feast irately with little but no teeth and a warm-hearted smile, two guns in 1 holster and a portrait of my native american friend Betony on the wall of the horizon."

And then she heard it.

walk two and twenty steps to the northwest where you will discover your next instruction...

mother forgot about her teeth and sprinted the two and twenty steps, in which she destroyed her twentieth and only profitable crop with one solid scream of terror.
the czar had returned.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

The Age of Specialties

Twas a dark and creeping afternoon when Mother checked the time on her Blackberry, overcome by an innate feeling deep within her loins to know the exact hour, minute, and second.
With a swift brush of teeth against her chest, the time was zero o'clock, zero minutes, zero seconds, ChEerIo. "AGAIN," she cried, "I ALWAYS LOOK AT THE CLOCK WHEN IT IS ZEROWTF" Suddenly and horrifically, the second hand jumped to one. "It can't be..." thought Mother.
To normal standerbys, 'one' would be normal to see on a clock, but for Mother, 'one' only meant one thing...

ThYme to become shy.

Mother understood that her new task was to slip into a forgotten frozen pasture in the dustbowl and remove all of her teeth one by one until she was too shy to talk to any brethren human or non animal/human again with an open mouth. And so Mother headed southwest from the tips of the USSR, where she had been pleasantly vacationing with Shmovrec, traveling by wooden wheelchair, courtesy of Juniper. Too soon after she left, she arrived in the DuStBoWL, circa 1931. There, she was wheeled by no one to a decrepit barn where a new baby was born...a baby who needed milk....
The baby's name was Alexander Joseph Gibbons. Mother unlocked her teet from a chastity bra and let the baby have its needy way.
The End


Her story was recorded into a little-known novel by a man named Steinbeck. If nothing else, she saved a new-born babe's life and her teet was immortalized in American history...but to Juniper, her task was complete. Until next time...when dinner is ready.

P.S. Mother's teet was colored tye-dye because of a bad accident involving a mailbox, a jar of mayonnaise, and cyanide when she attended secondary school. This confused baby AJG and he in turn formed a second set of teeth, much like a shark. He also did not have a first set of teeth.
- Brotther

Monday, April 19, 2010

The Age of Endurance

Let us time travel forward to 0.
The world is filled with empty albacore tuna cans.
Mother gets down on all threes and explores with as many appendages as possible. A soft rustling in the center of the cans tells Mother she is not alone. A furry finger pops through, the soft meaninglessness of finger's slippery mist emits a sound that resembles a cry.
A xylophone appears. Alex Trebek is playing it, he is wearing yellow and blue. The clouds part.

Mother, with a streak of blue in her hair and yellow eyes, lets her head spin 360 degrees to take in the majesty of all the scene before her. Trebek's haunting chimes cause her eardrums to explode for not one but the second time. One being when Shmovrek emitted his sonic boom.

Mother returns to all threes. She runs. She runs at a pace that allows her to exceed the speed of light, which allows her to exceed the speed of sound and therefore she lived, for 33 hours, in an alternate universe where light and sound were personified in the form of puppies with earrings hot dogs spinning in a marble bathtub.

When light started to return and sound felt normal again, Mother gazed at her surroundings. Suddenly Juniper appeared as a cloud shape. He gives her her third task: If you do not deliver Mayor Menino as a baby to the bottom of Massachusetts Bay Harbor within twenty-five minutes, I shall deStrOy every tuft of fur on your sad strange body and tattoo the faces of the seven dwarves upon you. Laughter, everywhere, will ensue. You do not want this. You will then be known as..FaThEr.

Mother wrenches baby Menino from the cradle with her incisors and begins to run. No, not run, but out of pure fear of losing her womanly figure, she DaddyZoomLegs the 26.2 mile path lit by lanterns held by leprauchans all the way to the Prudential Center.

It is here that a dragon, or some might say eagle-esque figure with a red converse tied to his wing, booty shorts, and black glasses with green sides whips down from the heavens and swiftly tosses Baby Menino onto his back. Life has begun, Mother has fallen in love (and simultaneously, out of love with Shmovrek). Endurance, she says, endurance.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

One Final and Sincere First Day of Tambourine Playing ft. Zoe

Let us take a break from time traveling con el Britney Spears and try to understand how magically and forcefully a little friend named Zoe came to be in Mothers' life.
Czar Juniper ordered Mama at 64:00 hours to walk 55 paces to the Northwest where she'd find the mess of what came to be a hot aIR bLoOn which was made of and shaped as cactus simultaneously filled in the basket with pure cactus needles.
she cried, she smelled her armpits, forced Shmovrek to smell them as well, and checked her wrist watch which was playing a constant live-stream video of Hit Me Baby One More Time.
She climbed into the basket which instantly lifted only a mere one foot off the ground and forced its way through trees and homes alike to carry mother and lift her twelve more inches above every McDonalds they passed and let out two plus two cactus needles each time into the fry-e-lator. Mom landed, landed in the swirlpool of oil where some fur was burnt off but not all. A sharp bark rang out and the perfect and guilded princess Zoe of the Smiledude climbed out of the Window and into Mothers' hair where she removed her from the swirlpool of oil and taught her a lifetime of virtue.
M O m instantly bonded with the smiledog and knew that if ever her hot air balloon was to trap her in a death march again she would be forgiven and able to yell these words until she reached safety: "CURL YOUR HAIR. whip your snare DRUM and wrap your fur around something we can all believe in."

Thanks to for an inspirational demon writing night

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Age of Silence

After Mother's first (of many) experiments with LSD, she escaped the tumultuous, carnal desires that this "Bukowski" had endowed her with. The one thing she found that she could not escape, however, was the fact that her pupils had melted.

In a desperate attempt to regain the sight she had lived so long without, she turned, spun, collapsed, and smiled her way into Shmovrek's arms. It was here that she unforgivably asked him for the one gift he was capable of giving: his own eyes. His response, to this day, is somewhat foggy and inaccurate due to its epic nature. What I am told (by a naked creature of the woods who spoke to me through organic symbols), is that he opened his mouth, emitted a noise equivalent to that of a sonic boom, and killed every aborigine within a six mile radius. It was only after Mother went deaf that she regained her sight.

Soon after, Mother and Shmovrek found themselves lost in the middle of a murdered forest. Who knew SoUnD could be so PoWeRfUl? Mother certainly didn't.
What happens next may shock you.

As we all know, Shmovrek was not given to Mother out of affection. He was there on duty, to persuade mother with his brisk and burly charms, to force her to heed the word of Juniper.

Juniper's next task was simple, yet would require all the strength in the world.

Mother was to build, with only the primitive resources around her, a device that was capable of time travel, and transport herself to the year 1998 where she would appear in the video for Britney Spears' first hit single, "Baby One More Time."

The answer to the next question is fairly simple: before its debut in October of '98, the chief editor asked his assistant to pause the video at 2:16. He began crying immediately, tossing papers, equipment, stools, pizza, etc. At that precise moment in the video is where Mother makes her appearance, and is also where the editor found who he only had pictures of since childbirth:
his biological mother.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

the age of raw hide

the guirtle consumed mother werewolf. she was beyond oxygen consumption. fortunately, bukowski the bald eagle was aware of this tragedy. he glanced at his rolex. a murmur in his throat thrusted him forwards. he became a new type of creature: a dinosaur. in the meantime, mother werewolf blue and tender, began to coo his name. "bukowski, bukowski, where are you my shorty?" the tremors of the earth and the vibrations of sunwaves cast upon her silky face. immediately, he knew what to do and what not to do. carefully, and nakedly, he swung his new giant tail in the general direction of mother werewolf. by the fibers of her coat, he gingerly caressed mother werewolf's eyelashes and said, "the silkiest fiber the world will ever know." and then he knew the truth about his stepfather. he had been there all along, rubbing and tracing fingertips along the epidermis, back and forth, like angels singing on clouds. the dementia his stepfather had endured for many years was thus removed permanently. mother werewolf, again, felt the departure of lost souls, prehistoric and beyond. she felt the release and the rough caress of calico on her eyeballs. Her pupils melted and then she felt nothing in her soul. thus came the footprints of sunsets in the atmosphere of cottontails and blasts of universes beyond.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Day Four: The Age of Trust

After waking from her open-eyed glory sleep, Mother awoke to realize that her new sense of sight had distracted her from her journey. After completely ignoring the instructions to wait at the bottom of the ocean for the whale, and destroying one of Junipers' disciples by tearing his head off, Mother discovered a new emotion that had not once touched her in her nineteen years of restless, guilt-ridden debauchery: sadness.

Mother had murdered. Her eyes began to glaze over--not with tears--but with YeLLoW, which she would later realize while doing a self portrait, never left her.
Mother felt like she would never love again, and then realized,
She had never loved at all. Not even once.

It was only after this realization that Mother was given her first boyfriend.
Yes, he was given to her.

In an intricately-sewn plot to force Mother back on the journey she had so savagely strayed away from, Czar Juniper sent another accomplice to persuade her--one that she could not destroy with her canines, which were made of elephant ivory harvested in the Elephant Ivory Harvesting Incident of 220 B.C.

Mother, trying to see through the YeLLoW sadness, ran at 44 km per hour into what she thought was a tree. "Tree" turned out to be "Shmovreck," who turned out to be just Mothers' type.

Shmovreck cradled Mother's broken and highly unstable body with its matted fur. Crying, she sounded like a Songhua River Mammoth (as Mother had not yet reached the Age of Language).

And so, ironically, the Age of Trust began.