Monday, April 19, 2010

The Age of Endurance

Let us time travel forward to 0.
The world is filled with empty albacore tuna cans.
Mother gets down on all threes and explores with as many appendages as possible. A soft rustling in the center of the cans tells Mother she is not alone. A furry finger pops through, the soft meaninglessness of finger's slippery mist emits a sound that resembles a cry.
A xylophone appears. Alex Trebek is playing it, he is wearing yellow and blue. The clouds part.

Mother, with a streak of blue in her hair and yellow eyes, lets her head spin 360 degrees to take in the majesty of all the scene before her. Trebek's haunting chimes cause her eardrums to explode for not one but the second time. One being when Shmovrek emitted his sonic boom.

Mother returns to all threes. She runs. She runs at a pace that allows her to exceed the speed of light, which allows her to exceed the speed of sound and therefore she lived, for 33 hours, in an alternate universe where light and sound were personified in the form of puppies with earrings hot dogs spinning in a marble bathtub.

When light started to return and sound felt normal again, Mother gazed at her surroundings. Suddenly Juniper appeared as a cloud shape. He gives her her third task: If you do not deliver Mayor Menino as a baby to the bottom of Massachusetts Bay Harbor within twenty-five minutes, I shall deStrOy every tuft of fur on your sad strange body and tattoo the faces of the seven dwarves upon you. Laughter, everywhere, will ensue. You do not want this. You will then be known as..FaThEr.

Mother wrenches baby Menino from the cradle with her incisors and begins to run. No, not run, but out of pure fear of losing her womanly figure, she DaddyZoomLegs the 26.2 mile path lit by lanterns held by leprauchans all the way to the Prudential Center.

It is here that a dragon, or some might say eagle-esque figure with a red converse tied to his wing, booty shorts, and black glasses with green sides whips down from the heavens and swiftly tosses Baby Menino onto his back. Life has begun, Mother has fallen in love (and simultaneously, out of love with Shmovrek). Endurance, she says, endurance.

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